Oh, you'd know him, he had this distinguishing mole.
Depends on where it was. If I know where it was, it was where anybody would know where it was.
What's SHE doing leaning way over there?
She can't be ending it all. Not when she has Tom.
What's so special about Tom?
Oh, he's very charming. They're a devoted couple.
She seems to prefer him upside down.
Of course I love you, petal. You could just be saying that.
What can I tell you?
If you can't look me in the eye, look me in the ankle.
Does that look like a deceitful ankle?
You were smiling at her.
I was trying to sell some fancy earrings.
MY earrings. You can hardly expect ME to have fancy earrings.
SPLASH! What ARE you doing? Nothing now.
Morning, Cleggy.
Nice morning, Smiler. Makes you feel good. Yeah.
They say it's good to be alive.
They've never fooled YOU though, have they?
Psst!
"I'm being held prisoner."
Seems like a good idea, Howard.
THUMP!
He moves well for his age.
I've kept his reflexes active, if nothing else.
You were restless all night, Barry, twisting and turning.
It's all the pressure.
You're not coming down with something? No. Physically, I'm fine.
You feel warmer than you should be for someone legally married. I'm fine.
You're not fine, Barry. You're in some kind of emotional turmoil.
It's another woman, isn't it?
You've been helping her with her mortgage
and she's lured you into something with even higher interest and now her husband's found out.
He hasn't found out. I mean, there is no husband.
It's not another woman.
Don't lie to me, Barry.
How can you leave when we've had all upstairs redecorated?
You said you liked the colour.
Well, I-I do like the colour.
I'll never leave you, even when I don't like the colour.
There IS no other woman.
It's a work thing.
I've got to see why Mr Hackett's behind with his insurance. I hate that side of the job.
You're a sensitive human being, Barry. I love you for it.
Don't worry about Mr Hackett. Look on the bright side.
He's much less trouble than you would have been in if it was another woman.
What's the worst thing that happened to you in the police?
The former Mrs Truelove.
What made thee become a policeman? I looked gorgeous in the uniform.
Do you know what I think is really weird about the universe?
The former Mrs Truelove?
It's the fact that how many billions of years of evolution were necessary
for me to become a lino salesman for the Co-op?
Does anybody use lino any more?
You see? I'm extinct. So what was it all for?
I don't believe that sky up there goes on forever and ever.
Oh, yeah? What do you think's at the end of it, then?
Barbed wire.
To give him credit he's got a real flair for barmy.
Listen, I used to do rabbiting.
A bloke soon gets to know how every which way ends in barbed wire.
OK, Tom. If the sky comes to an end,
what do you think's on the other side of the barbed wire?
Some chuff with a gun and a dog.
Isn't it wonderful how stupid you can be, despite the lack of any formal education?
What's he like, this Mr Hackett you've got to get the money from?
I don't know, I've never met him. He's just a name on a computer.
Do you suppose he's violent?
What if he attempts to strangle you on the doorstep?
Oh, I'm really glad you said that.
I won't have you go to people who will strangle you on the doorstep.
I was hoping to suggest other options.
Couldn't they send someone who's not happily married? Most offices have people who look happy to die.
Why are we talking dying? Maybe Mr Hackett is perfectly reasonable.
And maybe he's a killer.
You ought to find out before you go storming in.
I wasn't really thinking of storming. I thought I'd ring the bell and smile a lot.
Psst!
Why are you in that bedroom, Howard?
She's bought a chest of drawers as a flatpack and I'm not allowed out until I've got it assembled.
Ah, sorry to hear that, Howard.
If there's anything we can do, short of actually helping.
It's going to take forever.
The instructions are in Chinese.
It's my experience that the instructions are always in Chinese.
And sometimes a person needs a breath of fresh air even when he hasn't assembled his flatpack.
We've seen you out looking for a breath of fresh air. And who's with you.
I don't know what you mean.
Good morning, Pearl.
CLATTER AND THUMP!
Oh! Now, don't scratch it. We don't want splinters in little bottoms.
Sh-she's going to hire me out for kiddies' parties.
I'm going to be Uncle Cuddly. You?
You're going to bring fun times to the kiddies?
There's a commercial niche here he'll be able to fill, once I've got him into a cuddly costume.
What will I have to do? Try not to frighten 'em for a start.
There's nothing to it. You just go around laughing a lot.
You CAN laugh, can't you? Of course, I can laugh. I like to laugh.
Should he be going near kiddies when he can lie like that?
He just needs a bit of practice.
All right, a lot of practice.
How about a trial run, then? What? Go on, show us. Give us a laugh.
Well, go on, then. Show us your laugh. Make it convincing.
SMILER MAKES STRANGE GROANS
What's up with him? It's all right, he's just having a laugh removed.
KNOCK AT DOOR
A nimble little mover. The ideal build for your successful pickpocket.
The Man In The Iron Flatpack. I thought you were a prisoner in Pearl's deepest dungeon.
A secret tunnel. I bet he's got a secret tunnel.
Pearl's gone into town. How are you doing with your flatpack?
I've lost a screw. We won't argue with that.
I really need an escape plan.
Something sneaky so I can get away quietly even when she's in the house.
I mean it's-it's every Englishman's right to be free.
Every unmarried Englishman.
Where does it say that?
A flatpack? Who's putting it together?
The man of the house. Enough said.
Oh! You'll need bandages first and then the decorators in.
It's true. They self-destruct on flatpacks.
It's keeping him occupied. I know where he is.
I take your point. And when he's finished you can always get somebody in to do it properly.
Flatpacks are a great source of stress in a relationship, I always think.
How long does it take to assemble a flatpack of a chest of drawers?
On the box it says minutes.
Ooh, it'll wobble when he's finished. They always wobble when they've finished.
How far had he got when you left?
He'd nearly got it out of the box.
It's like an area of low pressure,
on seeing him you reach for your umbrella.
He'll be restful when you've had too much excitement.
I need a strong cup of tea.
Are you celebrating some special misery or is it just normal?
I've got to be Uncle Cuddly. Available for children's parties.
Uncle Cuddly? That's going to stretch YOU a bit.
I've got to give the kiddies hours of fun.
Oh, I told her, I'm not good at fun.
What did she say?
She says I was being too modest - I make HER laugh.
Wouldn't you be better at Uncle Deadly and scaring them to death?
I'd rather just be me.
Oh, that's going to be HOURS of fun.
Why do you need to be out, Howard? Why do you ask?
A simple question. Just needs a simple lie.
Well, a person NEEDS some fresh air.
And what sort of time would you be needing this fresh air?
Well, preferably about three o'clock.
The air fresher at three o'clock, Howard?
Well, about that time I shall really feel the need for some fresh air.
When you've been working on a chest of drawers all day...
Where will you look for this fresh air?
I don't see that matters. Anywhere.
I wonder where Marina will be getting fresh air about three o'clock. Marina who?
Your father might not know any Hacketts. He's lived here all his life.
Ask him. It's company business!
Just ask if he knows the Hacketts of Wilton Street.
You ought to find out before you go barging in.
I wasn't exactly going to barge in.
I thought I'd give a little wave to attract their attention.
Go in the shed and ask my father.
I don't like interrupting him in the shed. He won't hurt you.
Why are you hanging back?
Your father makes me cough, his cap's always on fire.
His cap's NOT always on fire.
Nearly always. It should carry a health warning. Barry!
I want you to respect him even when his cap's on fire.
I told you.
Hello, love. Trouble with the car, Barry? The car's fine, Mr Pegden.
We were wondering if you knew anything about the Hacketts of Wilton Street. What do they drive?
I don't know what they drive.
Well, that's it then, if you don't know what they drive.
Turn the engine on, Barry, I'll give it a quick check. The engine's running fine, Mr Pegden.
It's very kind of you to offer to make enquiries, Mr Truelove. The man might be violent.
I wonder if I ought to phone first.
If he knows you're coming he'll be out.
Ought you to mix with them? I'll be in and out too fast for mixing.
There was a Hackett who used to steal sheep. Or even faster.
Only small sheep. One under each arm and one in his teeth.
It might not be the same Hackett. Could be his tougher brother. Very likely.
The sheep stealer was the sissy of the family. Ooh, Barry!
You will find out about this Mr Hackett?
Just leave it to Truly Of The Yard, m'dear.
Be careful, Barry.
I will if I can.
You call that Uncle Cuddly?
I don't feel like Uncle Cuddly. You're supposed to look jolly.
I'm not good at jolly. Oh, you're very tall for such low spirits.
No wonder the Samaritans rejected you for being too depressing.
Well, if you won't wear a smile I'll paint you one on.
Make up?
How am I going to explain this to the darts' team?
Quite carefully if you've any sense.
Next right, Barry.
That's not the way to Wilton Street. We've got to make a few enquiries first.
Always begin at the local pub.
I think I could have been a policeman.
So, the lad's in a melancholy state.
Charity demands that we loosen him up a bit.
Barry won't drink while he's working. No, no.
We'll soon turn Barry to drink when we vividly describe the Hacketts of Wilton Street.
I'm talking REALLY vivid.
Do we know the Hacketts of Wilton Street?
No, but he doesn't either.
Thank you, lad.
Good on you, Barry. You're a gentleman, Barry, a dying breed.
I wish you hadn't mentioned dying.
It's too late now, it's out. A bad omen.
As my psychic consultant, who also has her HGV licence and is available for minibus hire, would tell you.
How bad an omen?
THEY SIGH
What's that foul custard-coloured stuff, Barry? Orange juice, Mr Hardcastle.
You'll need more than that for the Hacketts of Wilton Street. Why?
Why?
Do you think we should tell him? He'll be fully insured.
I am for most things. Ah, that's what the Hacketts do. Most things.
We've just had our heads together and we've been pooling our knowledge of that family. Oooh.
Look on the bright side, Barry, the bloke recovered.
What bloke? Debt collector. Went knocking at the Hacketts' door.
Timid knock, that was his first mistake.
Wearing a tie, that was number two.
I'm beginning to think I ought to telephone first.
No good, the phone's cut off.
Do we know that? It's always cut off.
On account of what happened to the telephone engineer who called. What happened?
Tell him, Clegg. Do I know what happened?
Of course you know. Tell him, Clegg.
Give him a rough outline. Why don't you?
I daren't in case the nightmares start again. Well, thanks. You're welcome.
Poor chap, he fell into the hands of their daughter, Scarlet.
(Oh, well done, Clegg.)
Oh, that's it. Scarlet. Scarlet O'Hackett.
Scarlet? They say she's quite attractive in a brutal sort of way.
What happened to the telephone engineer?
She kept him. Kept him? How do you mean, she kept him?
She liked him so she kept him. How long did she keep him?
She soon gets fed up, Barry. You could be out in weeks.
Out? I'm not going in.
Didn't he try to escape?
There's no escape, lad, from the Hacketts of Wilton Street.
Oooh. Going somewhere, Barry?
I think I need a drink.
That ought to do it.
Scarlet! Sorry!
Should you be popping up like that setting a girl's heart beating with your dinky tube of glue?
I came to tell you I might be a couple of minutes late.
But I'll make it, if I have to move heaven and earth.
You'd do that for me, Howard? Move heaven and earth?
As long as it's not flatpack.
But...
But trust me, I'll be there.
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
Oh, get a move on.
I-I was just explaining the advantages of this kind of glue.
I know him only as a customer with a great command of technical detail.
Would someone please call the management so I can be separated from this stranger.
I enjoyed that. Ah, keeps a good pint.
You don't keep yours for long. I've never seen anybody drink so fast.
Those legs will take some filling!
I'd like to make it last but suppose I drop down dead before I finish it?
Don't worry, on that occasion, we'd hold it for you.
Where's Barry?
You forgot Barry. How come I forgot him?
Well, last time I saw him he was with you.
He was leaning on me. There you are, then. Circumstantial evidence.
I wonder who he's leaning on now?
HORN BEEPS
What's that fool doing driving on the pavement?
Here we go, Barry.
You'll be all right, Barry. We'll come with you as far as the door. I'm not going near the Hacketts.
They're not really dangerous, we're just pulling his leg. Are you sure?
Suppose I get kept by Scarlet?
That's something you made up.
Oh.
I'm not going inside the Hacketts. I'm going to stand on the doorstep.
Tha'll have to stand steadier than that, lad.
Oh, you're not eating, love.
They don't these days, they think it's fatal.
I'm worried. Barry has such a dangerous job.
Working for a building society? It's not like he's on a trawler.
Put more pressure on him at home and he'll find his job a lot easier.
It's true. It's the great training ground is home.
Mind you, some of them do fail.
If they're trained right at home they can handle anything. And will, given half a chance.
Very few don't crack under pressure.
At the oddest moments you can sense they're worrying about their wives.
What odd moments? Drink your coffee.
What's this danger your Barry's been exposed to?
Well, they don't wear enough wool against their skin. That's half their problems.
You'd think skin was for wearing outside by the look of some of them.
Wool's all right in its place, on a sheep. I prefer something softer.
Well, you got something softer, didn't you? Him in Jarvis Street.
My Barry has to go single-handed to see people who are behind with their insurance. Hasn't he done it before?
No, he's just been promoted.
Sounds as if he's enjoying it.
No good comes from being promoted.
They start turning their noses up at salad cream and next thing it's French dressing.
Well, it's not a controlled substance.
He'll be all right, love. They usually come up smelling of roses.
Or Midnight in Mansfield in some cases.
But suppose it turns nasty? My Barry's not very good at nasty.
Well, he can't REALLY be in danger else you would have gone with him.
You're right, Mother -
Stand By Your Man.
Just look him straight in the eye and stare him down. How tall is Mr Hackett?
Well, just look him straight in the navel and stare him down.
Have you got a minute?
I thought you were confined to your bedroom, Howard.
I needed supplies, I needed some glue.
Through Marina's checkout buying glue again!
You can't assemble chests of drawers without some glue.
You must have a cellar full, Howard.
You've practically cornered the glue market.
Why is Barry at an angle?
I was just wondering that.
Are you holding that wall up, Howard?
I seem to have become attached to this young lady.
I hope we can find a solution before nightfall.
How do, lads.
A word in your foot, Wesley.
Emergency! There are people joined here without the benefit of clergy.
Howard was halfway through his flatpack and now he's stuck.
Why are they holding hands in daylight?
We think it's Destiny. Or stupidity.
What unsticks superglue?
Oh, tricky stuff is superglue. They've just discovered that.
Come on. I ought to be getting to Wilton Street. Tiniest drop and you're stuck.
I wouldn't normally enter a shed with so many gentlemen.
Ah, well, I'll wait outside. It looks like rain, Norman. Huh?
What do you do when your knees go weak? You too?
You did a good job there.
It's the hand round the throat that does it.
Oh, he seemed very happy to pay his insurance.
I thought insurance men had stronger throats.
Nobody gets more exercise of the throat than the insurance man. I can never shut mine up.
I'd give mine a cup of tea and a bun and he could talk through the bun, no matter what size of a bun.
It was very kind of you, Mrs Avery. No problem. Call me Lolita.
Ooh, THAT could be a problem. Well I'm very grateful, Lolita.
It saves my Barry placing himself in danger.
You must come round and terrify mine some day.
Say the word.
It's embarrassing for a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
How about me? I'm Maid Marian(!)
Tell them we're just good friends.
I think they've noticed.
I can't even tell anybody.
How can I tell anybody I've been mugged by six year olds?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd